You're a Big Girl Now

Growing up in the 2000s, the ideal body type was very thin. Seeing clavicles and spines was sought after, and young girls felt that they needed to look this way. Around the late 2000s and early 2010s, peak Tumblr, for me at least, highly promoted ED culture with characters like Cassie from Skins UK teaching you how to hide an ED. Then, jumping to the later 2010s, around 2016-2019, the body positivity movement took off. Which, in retrospect, how positive was it really? I remember that just bigger girls with flat tummies were included in magazines like Sports Illustrated and the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. But real big arms, cellulite, and apron bellies? I don't know about that. Clearly, body shapes are a trend; for example, the Kardashians going from big behinds to reversing their BBLs and trying to look more natural. Now, I think we are close to where we were in the 2000s. Where nothing tastes as good as skinny feels. Every ad is for some type of GLP-1, and your favorite celebrity is starting to hollow out. 

I have struggled and still am with my body image. I would count calories and basically starve just to binge and break that. I repeated this cycle, so I ended up gaining weight. I'm not a small girl; I know you never ask a woman how much she weighs, but I'll confess that I'm around 200lbs. Recently, I feel like it's getting bad again, and I just can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. In my head, I think I'm smaller than I really am, but then when I really look at myself, it's really just heartbreaking. This goes beyond just feeling bad about myself. This, combined with emotionally absent figures growing up, has left me with an avoidant attachment style. In short, I want to pull away when people get too close, especially in relationships. Now, I've only ever been on one real date, but I'm still on the apps. But I can't bring myself to ever say anything. There's always the thought of, "Do they know I'm Fat?" So I feel like I can't even begin to pursue a relationship because of how I see myself. My avoidant attachment style and my poor self-image makes me think, "Ew, why would someone be interested in me?"

Anyway...though I don't think highly of myself, ladies, self-respect is important. I have to remember at least that I'm not in a relationship with an unloyal or distrusting man. Girls, keep your crowns up; do not keep yourself in a situation where a man is taking advantage of you. Too many of my friends have been blinded by love, if that's what you call it, and have trapped themselves. So, even though I don't have a man on my arm and I'm not a 36-24-36, I still know better than to let someone take advantage of me. 🧘‍♀️